Why Did This Library Was Created In The First Place

Section 4: Traumatic Childhood History

Kindergarten

• A Muslim Indonesian maid poured a hot water on me immediately after she heating a kettle on the stove out of frustration. It is very likely that she went over the tipping point due to my mother’s constant reminders that the maid cannot keep her nails long or using fake long nails. I would often see my mother complain about it whenever the maid cooks with such long nails. It led to my parents sending to a clinic in Malaysia to apply some sort of white cream all over my body.

Primary

• I had three bullies who are slightly older than me where they decided to strip me naked in public right in front of my primary religious school in Malaysia. This puts me feeling “shame” at highest level and I still remember it from this day. What makes it worse, however, was that no adults were stopping this despite me begging for help from them. And at that point, my brain just went blank, where my brain just decided that there was no point in feeling shame as the alternative of getting help is not there. After that blank… everything about my surroundings feel… surreal. It felt like I was dissociating from the world… until I entered secondary education. I don’t really blame my parents back then because they can’t really help me while they were at work.

• My mother tend to shout, throw things and physically abuse my father. I do not know the reasons behind these fights.

Secondary

• In IGCSE, I told my mother that I wanted to commit suicide (due to being unaware of the mental illness I was having). My mother’s response was:

  • Tell me to jump out of my bedroom window, where my bedroom is on the first floor (in terms of commercial building convention).

  • Talk about how she would get into prison because I committed suicide.

  • Literally threw my small phone at me to the point the screen broke.

• My mother tend to shout, throw things and physically abuse my father. The reasons could be any of these:

  • My mother is stressed from taking care of us as a house wife back in Oman while my father worked in Oil & Gas company that could give huge salary. To keep things unbiased:

    • It is often related to how my father never paid my mother for doing all the house chores. Technically, you can see that my father already paid the bills for living costs and stuff like that, while my mother doesn’t have to contribute to it. Not to mention, my mother actually has all the free time in the house, so I am not sure why she would complain about it but it is probably because she had a maid to do her stuff. If I think about it, if we hired a maid, my mother would be essentially a free-rider already. But I can understand a point to have a bit of money because she is essentially doing maid jobs without getting paid.

    • My father already tried to alleviate some of her chores by sending my younger brother and I to our schools in Oman during the early morning.

  • By the time that my grandmother from my mother side died, my father took this opportunity to actually make the whole family stay at my grandmother’s house from my father side whenever it is “Hari Raya”, without considering how this would make my mother upset.