Why Did This Library Was Created In The First Place

Section 2: Mental Illnesses History

IGCSE Mental Illness History

I studied my IGCSE in Muscat International School (MIS), where the school is located in Muscat, Oman.

During IGCSE, I had developed what people called as maladaptive daydreaming. You can think of like obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), but your compulsions are in a form of daydreaming. This term didn’t really have much scientific backing back then, and so the most closest diagnosis you can get is the obsessive-compulsive disorder.

My maladaptive daydreaming wasn’t that intrusive back then and didn’t really impact my grades, so I thought this would go away on its own. In here, I would listen to my music through my headphones, pace around inside my bedroom and jump on my bed for hours. Nevertheless, I still had high grades where I mostly get A except for English (where the teacher did a poor job of doing her job in teaching).

A-Levels Mental Illness History

I studied my A-levels in International Islamic School Of Malaysia (IISM), where the school is located in Selangor, Malaysia. The hostel I was staying in was a part of International Islamic University Of Malaysia (IIUM). The school was offering 1.5 years A-levels program instead of the usual 2 years program. I had enrolled to this school around 2018.

When I moved back to Malaysia and away from my family to study A-levels in a boarding school, this is where my maladaptive daydreaming get worsened.

Within a 2-3 months from starting A-level classes, I started to notice that my maladaptive daydreaming ritual would lead to me getting only 2 to 3 hours of sleep between the school days. My parents are unaware of this.

At that point, I was completely addicted to daydreaming and have started to impact my A-level’s class performance. As a result, I have different sources of stress compounding with each other:

The stress from procrastinating of my A-level study as a result of maladaptive daydreaming.
The stress from being addicted to my maladaptive daydreaming as a result of suddenly-interrupted daydreaming rituals.
The stress from unable to pay attention in my A-level classes due to sleep deprivation.
The stress from worrying due to my poor A-level performance.

I was pretty early to notice this snowballing effect of stress, and so I told my parents that I needed medication for mental illness treatment for the first time. Guess what I get from my father’s answer?

It ranges from “You’re homesick”, “You don’t exercise enough”, “You need white-noise” and “Don’t diagnose yourself”. You know what are the issues with each of these statement?

The first one assumes that I miss my parents. I don’t even miss them since I didn’t talk nor hint about that I want to go home at all.
The second one is just straight up wrong. I literaly walk back and forth between my apartment hostel, the A-level international school and shops inside the university compound that my hostel was in.
The third one will just makes it harder for me to sleep on top of my maladaptive daydreaming forcing me to do “listening to music” rituals.
The fourth one is ironic because my father is diagnosing the issue without being a psychologist or a psychiatrist himself.

I continued begging for the mental illness treatment to my parents. Eventually… The maladaptive daydreaming got so bad that I began looking ways for self-harming myself, so we now have a new mental illness to deal with: severe depression. I was a little too coward for direct self-harm, but I ended up self-harming through Samyang 2x Spicy Ramen often. I often bought these ramen from the university’s shop. My parents are unaware of this.

Then the rare instances of voices calling my name without any unidentified source. The same goes rare instances of hearing and feeling the vibrations from my phone, but my phone wasn’t receiving any notifications or calls.

Again, I continued begging for mental illness treatment while the clock is ticking. I began crying in classes despite it wass filled with teachers and classes. Multiple classes actually. My parents are unaware of this.

I remembered one of the instance of me crying was in a Physics practical class, where the physics teacher looked particularly moody today. That being said, that doesn’t stop me from crying there, which ended up prompting her to help me with the practical stuff that I was trying to do. I could see her helping me out of annoyance and probably a hint of guilt.

Eventually, I got into a breaking point that I want to jump off from the fourth-level of the apartment hostel. Now, my damn parents took action. However, they only sent me to the IISM’s school counselor. For Wednesday to Thursday, I always go there… But he didn’t really do anything to my untreated mental illnesses as this counselor didn’t do anything on diagnosing my mental illnesses and I wasn’t aware if he has any qualifications for handling mental illnesses. I was so confused by this, and I asked my parents for medication instead because my problem was already severe. My parents continued to ignore my begging for treatment through medication.

From here, I noticed that I couldn’t remember I ate. I mean, if I had breakfast one hour before, I literally couldn’t remember what I ate. I would struggle remember it. My brain felt like it was… stiff and hazy.

One day, I began crying at the end of my A-level mathematic class, where the students are about to leave the class along with the teacher. In here, I was seated in the near back, next to a wall, I think. At that point, I was trying my hard not to cry as I looked at my A-level math examination papers book as I watch myself unable to solve it because my mind feel blocked and hazy. As my tears began to fall, my mathematic teacher immediately hugged me from my back once I noticed. Once hugged, I began crying it all out, trying to figure out how to fix this. In fact, my mathematics grade and performance are the most greatly impacted by the untreated mental illnesses, where in my AS mathematics’ mock exam is shown to have E grade while my other grades are lower than an A. After a few days since my mathematics teacher’s hug, he proposed after-school classes for the “challenged” ones. To be honest, I’m quite sure the term “challenged” is my mathematics teacher trying to polite instead of saying “badly performing students”, but I don’t care if he had used the more harsher phrasing. My parents are unaware of this instance of crying and the after-school classes.

My father did met my school counselor after the year 1 mark of A-levels programme, where my school counselor stated things that further influenced my father on not treating my mental illnesses. Due to how severe my untreated mental illnesses got, I had to extend my A-levels to two years, but I did the remaining 0.5 years back at Oman.

Then, my father revealed and genuinely believed in the reasons they stated below that led them not sending me for a proper treatment:

I will have hard time to get a job due to stigma. This statement was given even more weight due to my school counselor said this without any supporting evidence held by the counselor himself.
The government will revoke driving license on getting a mental illness diagnosis.
They did not want to make me worry for the points stated above. It was pretty ironic given that I was already worried from my declining grades!

From this point on, I began balding at a very young age around 17-18 due to extreme stress of my untreated mental illnesses, where my father literally bought a shampoo in preventing hair loss. He wants to blame it on eating instant noodles too much, but the thing is, my hair loss isn’t stopping despite my instant noodles consumption got restricted in Oman. So, instant noodles aren’t the issue here.

Eventually, I still had suicidal thoughts due to my still untreated mental illness in Oman. I had began trying to place my head inside plastic bags because I couldn’t take it anymore. Then my parents fucking got met a proper psychologist in Oman, but the problem is that my father kept bringing up money part and said that the company paid some of it due to mental health care being rare in Oman and therefore it would be expensive. Like dude… You could have done this in Malaysia if money is an issue. Nevertheless, I continued my sessions but got eventually I stopped due to COVID-17 and wanting to do it in Malaysia for cheaper treatment.

Bachelor’s Mental Illness History

I studied my Computer Science With Artificial Intelligence in University Of Nottingham Malaysia (UNM), where the school is located in Selangor, Malaysia. It has three-years worth of study with 2 semesters per year. I had enrolled to this university around 2020.

To be honest, I wanted to delay the joining of my university because my mental illness being that severe and given my parents are literally not being cooperative on getting me mental health treatment in Malaysia. If I can’t fucking get a mental illness treatment in Malayia because of my parents, at least let me take a rest for some months. I was unaware that my father literally immediately admit me to a university, when I was just exploring the options that the UNM have. I just found a course that I liked, and pointed to my parents that I want to register for this course. However, I made no mention that I wanted the course immediately. Not to fucking mention, I wasn’t told if I wanted to apply it myself, so I didn’t expect my father would literally do it for me. What makes it even more ridiculous is that my first younger brother would have to do the registering himself, confusing me further.

I was aware of the counselling services here, but I expected nothing productive would come out from here due to my A-levels counselor experience. I regretted this so much because in later years, they had an actual psychologist during my initial years of study before the psychologist left prior I went to the university counselor’s for the first time in my third year.

In the first year, I had failed my driving test twice, but the examiner just gave me a pass after the second fail. I already knew the reason why: I had issues looking at the mirrors while looking at the road due to sensory-overload. Even in here, I kept begging for my mental illness treatment prior and after failing the test twice. My parents continued to dismiss as normal driving anxiety despite that I stated to them that I failed the driving test twice.

In the second year of my second semester, I felt like I want to drop out from the university given how much I literally can’t process lessons and I was barely hanging on a thread when it comes to my grades. My brain would feel stiff and hazy whenever I try to process the lessons.

In the early third year, I jad to meet campus security officer due to certain interpersonal issues as a result of the untreated mental illnesses where my parents had to get involved. My parents didn’t link this interpersonal issues to my worsening untreated mental illnesses. Apparently, I was requested to seek the university counselor at this point given people who are involved in my interpersonal conflict are aware of something is off. I also started skipping classes in order to catch up with the previous classes because some of the classes requires previous classes to understand next classes. The reason why I need to catch up with the previous classes was something to do with my brain would feel stiff and hazy whenever I try to process them.

My university counselor then literally recommended me to get treatment for extensions for assignments and exams. He also said there’s no such thing about driving license revocation on diagnosis. I then told this to my parents and my parents finally let me get treatment without resistance since I said it was coming from a university counselor. However, this was a little too late because I was already in my final year of my second semester, where my poor grades are set in stone. Generally, the university does not count the first year grades to the overall grades for your bachelor degree. In here, there’s one information that contradicted how bad the stigma was: the bachelor university willingly offers exam and assignment extensions if you had a valid mental illness diagnosis.

Eventually, it was revealed that the cost Malaysia’s public healthcare treatment for each consultation (including medication) is RM 5. Needing to wait for one month is irrelevant as I can wait for that long. It was discovered after my parents kept complaining about the cost of private mental illness treatment which costed RM 200 per counseling session and RM 200 for my medication. The reason why we did private treatment was because of my parents wanting to avoid stigma in jobs as a result of getting diagnosed in a public healthcare system. I didn’t choose this and I was fine with a public healthcare one, even if we have to wait for like one month per consultation.

Eventually, I switched to public healthcare for my mental illness treatment after they kept talking about how expensive it was to do private counselling on top of paying medications. I told them they can switch to public healthcare for treatment, but even then they ask me why I needed it so badly.

First off… they’re the fucking one who complained about the money. It’s not that we’re that broke given that my father literally worked in Oman for an oil & gas company for like over 8 years. Secondly, either they fucking shut up about the money or the stigma. You can’t have both. Not to mention, I am literally helping my parents to lower their expenses by wanting to go for public healthcare for my mental illness treatment since I was annoyed by their money complaints.

Eventually, we did switch to the public healthcare for my mental illness treatment after my father kept dragging his foot on stigma from jobs and driving license revocation.

Surprise, surprise. What did I found once I get the mental illness treatment in the public healthcare for over couple of months. From here, I got these diagnosis: GAD, OCD and high-functioning autism. I got Brintellix for my medication. The counselling was on a monthly basis at first, but sometime it can stretch to two months once I am stable with the medication that I was given with.

Then, I realized something. There was no mention from the public healthcare that my driving license is revoked when I got my diagnosis. So, I brought this up to my father.

He… well… ended up elaborating that the JPJ (the one responsible for giving the driving license to me) and KKM (the one responsible for my mental illness treatment in public healthcare) were using two separate systems and so that is why JPJ never immediately revoked my driving license… I was already raising one of my eyebrows in suspicion and I had suspected that he has now began shifting the goalpost.

Few months later, I suspected ADHD, and so I got diagnosed by a public healthcare psychiatrist. I got that ADHD diagnosis too. The only problem is that getting ADHD medication was difficult, so I ended up using an alternative: drinking coffee more than or equal to two times a day. Not healthy, but who cares. I need it that badly for my functioning.

If anyone is fucking asking me why I don’t go there myself when I am already an adult, you clearly haven’t put this into mind:

I need to physically present at the public mental healthcare hospital, which either requires me:
- Good at driving, which is impossible due to severity of untreated mental illnesses. My mind would literally have sensory overload, making it difficult for me to focus on the road. This led to me having extreme anxiety and panic while driving on the road. I already told you all about me failing the driving exam twice, so that should be very self-explanatory on how bad I am in driving.
- I need money to go to the hospital if I were to use e-hailing services. However, I can’t because I literally don’t have money for it since I was focused on my studies full-time in university. Not to mention, active blockage by my parents with their stigma excuses. If I was told by my parents “I give you money to go by yourself,” I would have.
Doing mental illness treatment with a private mental healthcare professional and buying unsubsidized medication exceeds my non-existent budget unless I want to go into debt.

The Great Betrayal

For over two years after I graduated from university with second class lower division, I couldn’t shut up about how my driving license was not revoked. I also couldn’t shut up about the job stigma wasn’t even an issue. Especially after I got employed remotely as a junior Roblox game developer for 9 months at RM 2000 per month as gross salary. Even in here, my parents said that the more higher paying jobs would discriminate me, which is way different than their original claim of “you will not be able to get job due to diagnosis”.

I also shoved one of the Malaysia’s criminal law: Act 611, Child Act 2001, Section 31(4). It stated:

“a parent or guardian or other person legally liable to maintain a child shall be deemed to have neglected him in a manner likely to cause him physical or emotional injury if, being able to so provide from his own resources, he fails to provide adequate food, clothing, medical or dental treatment, lodging or care for the child”

My parents just laughed at my face and dared me to sue them. Eventually, he couldn’t take my complaints anymore, he ordered me to get out and prepare luggages for the train station. I KEPT EVERYTHING IN MY BEDROOM WITH ME EXCEPT FOR SOME BOOKS.

Then, my 2nd youngest brother suddenly developed schizophrenia while studying in a an oversea German university. I was also told that my younger brother was in the Germany’s healthcare facilities to treat his schizophrenia, and had blocked my father from fetching him for over unknown amount of months.

Then, the German government had warned my parents that he needs to get treated to continue studying in Germany’s university. So, my parents did, despite having the same job issues due to stigma and driving license revocation issue in Malaysia like me. Without resistance.

Even better yet for him, he was treated early during his first year of overseas study in the Germany’s university, giving him a good chance of getting good grades upon graduation.

Suddenly, my mother gave me a good news that I wouldn’t get kicked out of the house. In here, I wasn’t aware that the German government might have played a role in this, but I eventually figured it out after receiving the news that my 2nd youngest brother got schizophrenia.

Suddenly, after my younger’s brother mental health treatment, they now suddenly care about my mental illnesses.

Then, my father asked me to watch my 2nd youngest brother at midnight and offered to pay some money… This is because my 2nd youngest brother had the tendency of wanting to go outside in the middle of the night.

One day, my father received a call from my mother that my 2nd youngest brother was missing as they both went to shopping.

I don’t remember what I said, but something like my father delayed treatment for me, but not for him.

My father tried to justify with “Chinese and Indians abuse mental OKU diagnosis to get out of severe punishments for severe car accidents by bribing psychologists or psychiatrists for diagnosis, hence the Malaysian government have a general rule on to revoke driving license on diagnosis received”. My father attempted to use… online newspaper articles as evidence.

This is where my brain just… snapped.

My father… is… using… newspaper… as… evidence…

And… he… can’t… find.. it… for… something… that… he… had… justified… using… it… on… me…

I was… beginning… to snap…

I tried to give VERY charitable reasonable of doubt. VERY reasonable of doubt. VERY CHARITABLE INDEED.

Until… I looked into the JPJ and KKM official websites.

There was no such policy.

At best, this is what I got: JPJ official policy regarding mental illnesses on the government websites that existed since 2011 showed that the license is revoked based on strict criteria. Not to mention, even if revoked, JPJ would restore them. This is also for vocational driving license, and I couldn’t find the version for personal driving license. It is extremely likely that the driving license would be far more lenient. In addition, I had also considered the potential confusion that the driving license would be revoked either way regardless of health conditions.

My worldview slowly collided with the reality of what I saw as I climb down the stairs.

My first instinct was… to shove the fucking policy to my father’s face and on the WhatsApp message. I began laughing hysterically and started mocking to my father about his statement of “Chinese and Indians abuse mental OKU diagnosis to get out of severe punishments for severe car accidents by bribing psychologists or psychiatrists for diagnosis, hence the Malaysian government have a general rule on to revoke driving license on diagnosis received”. It ranged from me saying these in a mocking tone:

“Oh no! Chinese and Indians abuse mental OKU diagnosis!”
“Oh no! I am going to lose my license!”
“Oh no!”

My father was so pissed off at this and told me to calm down with his angry voice. He stated that I am scaring my 2nd youngest brother when I acted hysterically and mockingly.

I don’t believe one bit that my 2nd youngest brother would be scared of my act. Feels like it was more of an ego-saving attempt that he does not want me to talk about this.

Five years. Gone. What was I suffering for then? On top of my parents rapidly responded to my 2nd youngest brother’s schizophrenia all while me begging for treatment for over five years.

My 2nd youngest brother and I also had the same problems if we get treatment in Malaysia’s public healthcare: stigma from job and the driving license revocation.

And my parents just… ignored those problems for my 2nd youngest brother, but not for me.

Haha….

Hahaha..

HAHAHAHA!

Liar.

Pretty dirty liar.

Liar.

My father is a LIAR!

My father is a liar. Liar! I’m telling you he is a liar on the greatest proportions! Liar. Liar. Liar. A pathethic fucking liar.

Liar. So fucking liar.

At this point, I fucking rejected the offer to watch my schizophrenic younger brother in midnight out of anger. I then told my parents that is their problem since they did not fix my mental illness problem early hence I have no interest in helping them out. They can go fuck themselves taking care of my younger brother and stress about it.

I also amped my complaints about my father’s statements of driving license revocation and stigmatization in jobs on top of this hypocritical treatment to my 2nd youngest brother.

Eventually, father immediately enforced his kicking out decision. However, They would put me to my parents’ unoccupied second house in a condominium that my parents recently bought in Cyberjaya instead of the train station that they previously offered to me. The German government intervention against my parents for my 2nd youngest brother may have strongly played a part here. Not to mention, I did cite to them the criminal law for a section of child neglect involving lack of medical care, but unsure if that also plays a role as well.

When I moved there with my luggages, my father wanted a surveillance camera watching at me in the kitchen so he can observe me so that I don’t go kill myself. The camera broked and I decided not care about fixing it, because I couldn’t care shit about his “care” when he never fucking owns up to it. My father noticed that the camera is broken because they could not get any feeds from that camera and ended up asking me to fix it multiple times. I just ignored his requests.

I’M FUCKING SURE THIS IS FOR MY PARENTS TO SAVE THEIR OWN FUCKING ASSES IF I DO DECIDE TO KILL MYSELF. NOT TO MENTION, WHEN THAT SURVEILLANCE CAMERA BROKE, THEY MAKE NO REPLACEMENT SINCE I WOULDN’T EVEN BOTHER TO FIX IT. THIS MEANT THAT THEIR “CARING” ABOUT ME WAS ACTUALLY SHORT-LIVED AND REACTIVE. THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY I COULD CARE ABOUT MY PARENTS NOW ONCE I REALIZED THIS. I COULDN’T CARE LESS IF I HAD KILLED MYSELF AND MAKE MY PARENTS LOOK BAD. IN FACT, I PREFER IT IF MY PARENTS LOOK BAD BECAUSE THEY FUCKING ARE!

To be honest, when I stayed in that second house of theirs, it was so quiet and peaceful. I would often ignore my parents’ text messages or calls unless I wanted something from them, which is quite rare for me to do. I couldn’t care jackshit about their worries because they never worried about my untreated mental illnesses! My mother would panic if I don’t actually don’t contact her at all, which I also ignored as well. Even more weirder, my parents have this weird push-and-pull dynamic regarding wanting to kick me out to the second house and bringing me back to the main house for short visits.

Holy shit. Make up their fucking mind already! Do they want to kick me out or not?!

Shame that I had to move back to the main house eventually since that second house got rented by someone.

The Aftermath

I still occassionaly hear the knocking on my bathroom walls when I am inside, which only stops when I leave to my bedroom attached to it. I also ocassionaly feel things climbing on my feet as I work and play using my laptop on my desk. I also occasionaly hear voices calling my name. In very rare cases, I thought I ordered something I wanted in restaurants, just to end up noticing that I received a different order. When I looked at my receipts, I had ordered something that I did not order. In common cases, I wouldn’t even notice mispellings that I made as I type on keyboards. In addition, I wouldn’t notice that a sentence wouldn’t even formatted properly or make any sense, despite me being exposed to English like for over 10 years.

I also quit from all of my family’s WhatsApp group. I had also attempts of them trying to bring me back to the family’s WhatsApp group, which I ended up leaving again. I had one instance that my father formed a group between my father, my mother and me, before he posted a link to an online certification course. I also left that group immediately as well.